learning to let go of the things you thought brought you happiness, the things that we use as a vice, or the people we thought were good to us, will probably be the biggest weightloss journey you will ever endure when they are gone.
waiting for the right time to do it though is where we will continue to let ourselves down. the time to do it is now.

I realize that it has been a minute since I have written, and for those who follow I truly apologize for my neglect to my blog. It has been a wild couple of years since I have done a post, and I think my biggest battle was trying to come up with content when I was enduring the craziest growth period of my existence. I thought 2018 was a massive year to grow but in the last two years, even the last two months, I think I've aged mentally about 10 years, and my tolerance for bullshit has simply vanished. 
Moving along.
For those who know me and who have followed me along my life journey kind of have an idea of where my head has been at lately, and in recent weeks I've had the opportunity to hone in on some of the internal struggles I have kept under wraps, I suppose I tried to push them under the rug in an effort to forget about them. I was trying to move forward with my life, but alas they have resurfaced. It's not a bad thing, rather it's just a reality I am facing as I try to figure out what works and what doesn't as I tap into holding integrity within myself.

I will say most of 2019 I felt good. I was finally manifesting some of the things I had always wanted to chase, my relationships with people were starting to get stronger, and I was starting to understand what I truly wanted in life. Towards the end of 2019 I had ended a relationship with someone whom I thought at the time was a good fit for me, but the longer I was in it, the more I became depressed, the worse my anxiety got, and the more I craved being by myself. I realized in the end that I completely lacked integrity when I started the relationship which as a result caused me to feel like I was suffocating in my own life.
I knew all of this boiled down to needing to communicate at a higher level, but I was stuck between the cold hard truth and sugar-coating my thoughts. All of the baggage I had left in 2018 was starting to resurface, and I couldn't run away from it, I felt like I was living in a different universe. I realized how mentally unstable I was and how much I relied on certain vices to cope with my emotions, but instead of dealing with them at the time I, again, chose to ignore them by ending this relationship abruptly and focus on other hobbies that brought me happiness. It was like retail therapy, things that bring you life and excitement for a short period of time and to be honest, it was exactly what I needed at the time. That being said, it was temporary, and it came back twice as hard in 2020.

2020 brought all of us a nice little surprise. Hello pandemic, nice to meet you. Little did I know that this pandemic, which I think (my opinion, thank you so much), is an absolute joke, would in time bring me so much clarity. All of the emotions and mental garbage I had attempted to just push to the side was starting to arise due to the fact that I just had so much time on my hands, I had time to think about what I wanted and how to process things like an adult. I also had time to own my shit and figure out how to be a better, more honest version of myself. Most importantly though, I needed to remind myself of my worth. 
I learned how to be honest with myself, to speak my truth.
I learned how to slow down, and be okay with it.
I learned how to live in the present.
I learned how to take things in stride, that even if things don't work out the way that you want them to, that you have to forgive, forget, and move forward.
I learned that, even though you may think you know someone well, and that no matter how good you may have been to them in the past, that they can and will turn their back on you.
​Read that again.
I am learning that what mattered to me a year, two years, five years and ten years ago doesn't matter to me as much if not at all anymore.
I am learning to be okay with feeling the way that I feel.
I am learning that it is okay to not have it all figured out.
I am learning that even though someone may have hurt me in the past, that there are still good people out there.
I have taught myself, now more than ever, to trust until you are given a reason not to anymore, and that goes for absolutely everything in life. At the end of the day, my intention for my personal growth over the pandemic was to be the bigger person in every situation, and no matter how much I may be hurt, to always always always move forward. I had to learn to accept apologies that I will probably never receive, and be grateful that I can still pick myself back up when life tries to push me down. 
​Scabs always heal, anyways. 

Of all the things I have really come to realize in the last couple of months, there was a massive point that I want to dissect a little further.
Take a moment to think about what matters the most to you right now, whether it be related to your goals or even in a relationship. What does that look like?
Now take another moment to remember what mattered the most to you five years ago. What about ten years ago? The odds those goals are completely different I'm going to guess are very high. The reason for this is because as we grow older and as we mature and gain more life experience, the more we tap into things that matter more to us now than they might have back then. Some of the things that we thought were the make or break components to what will make us happy, no longer serve us purpose. 
The point I want to get across is that what matters most to us now could completely reshape the way we experience our future. This alone could very well be the breaking point of what pushes us to experience a challenging but exciting future, or continue living in comfort, which I will say again - if you aren't growing, you're dying. Embrace these moments of being aware of what you want. Be present in the now, hold integrity within yourself, and stop holding onto what you thought you wanted back then. That little thread, that little thing you thought mattered to you, was you neglecting the fact that what is meant for you and what you really want in life, will be right in front of you the second you cut that tie to your past. Believe me when I say it will be the most energizing and powerful weight loss journeys of your life - the time to grow into yourself is now, and it is so completely okay to be selfish in this time. Just please do yourself a favour - hold integrity with yourself, be honest with your people, and be honest with your future. 
"A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' uttered merely to please or to avoid trouble" - Gandhi

<3

this is one to write home about.
i left, i was alone, i was out of my comfort zone, and i loved it.

It's a very cold and rainy day back in Kelowna. I've settled down in front of my Mac with a cup of tea in my favourite Ugg slippers probably looking like the biggest basic bitch you can picture in your mind, or perhaps a university student lacking sleep trying to crush out a paper. Thankfully I can confirm that the above visuals are untrue. I just got in from meetings at work and feeling antsy about writing my post about my holiday. 
The question is, where do I start.

september 11: It's the morning of my departure and I just got in from what could have been one of my fastest workouts. I had trained my ass off to lose a couple pounds before I left, as I knew I was going to be in a bikini and, well, body image issues. I was so nervous to leave home I was literally sick to my stomach, with minimal appetite. I was about to hop on a plane and fly to the other side of the world... alone.
Alone.
That was the part that I had a really tough time grasping, the fact that I was doing this by myself. When I had first thought of travelling at the beginning of the year, I had always pictured it with a partner, being a dynamic duo exploring the world together.
Fast forward to my post-depressive state this July, I said to myself you know what? Fuck it! Why am I wasting my time waiting for Mr. Right to come along to travel with me when I could surely do all of this on my own. So I booked a flight to Germany, and went on from there. 
I had heard amazing things about Contiki holidays from several of my friends back at home, so I did some deeper investigating and found one that I was keen on. So I booked an island-hopping tour in Croatia. The rest of my trip happened by sheer coincidence over a three-week span.

Mum dropped me and my Dora the Explorer backpack off at the airport that morning and she cried like a mother normally does. I got on that plane and as soon as it lifted off, my anxiety actually settled to my surprise. I did my best to keep myself busy on the flight with movies and podcasts, writing and copious amounts of The Lumineers. I had fallen asleep I suppose it would have been when I was flying over Greenland, but woke up flying over what I would have guessed to have been the U.K., and the sunrise was something I will never forget.

​The Beauty of Being Alone and Uncomfortable

when i woke, i saw what was
the beginning of a new day
the sun began to rise
like lava under an old carpet
only to break through to reveal
i was above the clouds
cotton candy sky
that's when i realized 
that in these moments, we want to share
when in reality
they are better observed 
solely, independently, alone
and thats okay
it's my line of sight

​-written by yours truly

september 12-14: You ever hear people say "I have arrived"? Ha... well here's another one for you.
My first few days were spent in Germany and a taste of Austria. I indulged in German beer, experienced the rather harsh German culture, and witnessed the rather consistent architecture of the German countryside. Standard white or brown houses with brown roofs, beautiful florals pouring out the windows, grass that is so green it looks fake. I was absorbing it all like a sponge. I saw where The Sound of Music was filmed, I stood on the Salzburg Lock Bridge (and didn't lock one on, sorry), and saw Berchtesgarden, which is where Hitler's Eagle Nest is, and yes it gave me goosebumps too. All in all, Germany and Austria were great, but I was still antsy about the rest of my trip.
Bring on Croatia.

september 14: My arrival into Split was a night full of lucid experience. I couldn't believe this place, it had beauty I didn't think existed. The people were so incredibly friendly. I felt like I was at home, but I knew no one. 
I took myself out for dinner at one of the fancy cafés along the boardwalk in Split, told the waiter to order me whatever he wanted and I took in the sunset with the best Aperol Spritz I ever had (sorry JOEY, I know I work for you but damn this was good).

How am I here?! I was pretty exhausted this day, it was a big day with flights down from Munich. I finished my dinner and head back to my hotel to edit a few photos and call it a day. Tomorrow, the real holiday begins. 

september 15: Hello, Contiki family! Spent the day meeting everyone, which if you know me was a fun (actually excruciatingly difficult) time really breaking out of my shell. We had some swim stops, 'hydration' at our disposal and hot, hot heat. We pulled into Makarska, which was our first stop for the week. After exploring the town, we got back to the boat for dinner and night one of #confessions. 
Happy Hour kicked off nicely with bevies, outrageous singing and 'never have I ever'. This was the moment that 22 strangers became family, and we realized that there would be no room for secrets on this trip. This was the moment I fell in love with each and every one of them. 

september 16: Korčula. This was the cutest little town, with plenty of olive trees outlining the island and an unbeatable sunset. We kicked the night off having bright, colourful cocktails at the top of a castle. Following that, a group of us did a wine tasting, found in the midst of the tiny cobblestone streets accompanied with the most delicious prosciutto and cheese I have tasted.
I don't want this holiday to end. I wanted more. 

september 17+18: Rolling into Dubrovnik like...
This is the area of Croatia you see most touristy photos in, where parts of the Game of Thrones was filmed, and of course, the most beautiful place on earth. We spent two days here, exploring Old Town and familiarizing ourselves with the slippery limestone walking streets. Day one we actually kayaked to a cave for a swim. I'll let the next photo do the visual explanation. 

The second day, we explored the Walls of Dubrovnik, where we dressed in very typical touristy outfits and had the time of our lives taking photos to prove so (please refer to my opening photo of this blog post for example one). ​

Dubrovnik was the place I felt like I couldn't get enough of. It's then I realized that there is so much more to Croatia that I needed to see, which already had my wheels turning in my head for my next holiday. The air, the water, the people, it didn't seem like it was real.

Our last night in Dubrovnik we actually went to one of the top 40 clubs in the world, Club Revelin. At this point of the trip most of us had started to feel run down and tired, we had a few big nights in a row (sorry mum) and were literally at the point of breaking. But we thought, if we get the opportunity to see this club, we would be stupid not to go. "We will go in, have a look for 15 minutes, and leave back to the boat" was the discussion with a few of us.
Well, we went alright, and they played banger after banger after banger, and if you know me, that means full send with my dance moves (not that I hadn't done so already every night, but if a banger is on, I'm just letting you know, it's on). Luckily we escaped before 1:00am and got back to the boat in one piece.

september 19: Trstenik (pronounced tristenik). This is a small village of approximately 80 people, and used primarily for the production and distribution of wine. We had a lovely wine tasting by a sweet local lady who owns one of the wineries in town with her husband. This was also the theme night, where we all dressed as sailors or pirates and head off to a beach bar nearby. Two of the girls had polaroid cameras which captured a few moments of Happy Hour that night, you can see me in the 3rd photo from the left on the top row braiding Ollie's hair. Don't ask, friends, just accept!
september 20: Hvar, aka the celebrity town of Croatia. This is essentially the land of the rich and famous where people roll in with their million dollar yachts and stroll the streets in fancy attire. The setting is beautiful, but this was the night I really started to feel run down, my voice started to disappear, and the entire crew got sick. It was bound to happen, we were having all of the good times every single night for a week straight on minimal sleep, it was done to ourselves, and there was no way of avoiding it unfortunately.

september 21: Back to split. Pictured above is all of us jumping off the top of our boat at once, followed by an insane amount of saltwater to the nose and possibly permanent bruises. This was our last night as a family, and I tell you was I ever emotional (definitely bawled my eyes out during Happy Hour). I had grown to love these people so much, and assure you that each and every one of them has a piece of my heart. It was time to wrap up the trip, and even though we all felt like balls, we pulled it together for one last MAJOR hurrah before we made our departure the next day. During the day this day I spent time reflecting on what I had learned in my time in Croatia, and although most of the memories made past 10:00pm were hazy, my biggest takeaway was that I felt confident in developing relationships with people anywhere in the world. I've spent my entire life on the North American continent, doing small trips here and there but it was always with others. This takeaway made me realize that there is so much more out there in the world than the one I live in, and that in itself was truly beautiful. Although I was sad to leave these people, I was ready to take on the next chapter of my travels.

september 22: Arrived to Gothenburg toting the biggest headache of my life from the previous night. My cold had completely settled in, but I was promising myself that it was going to go away. It was just a chest cold after all, right...? I strolled the streets of Gothenburg and my thought was holy shit, everyone looks like me.
​Growing up, I was teased because my hair was so blonde and I had such fair skin. People thought my eyes were strange because they were dark rimmed with a light blue centre... but looking around here in Sweden I was shocked by how many other people accompanied the same features. My people!!! I thought. It felt refreshing and strange all at the same time. I settled into my adorable little hotel, took the first real hot shower I had been able to take in over a week and cuddled up in bed watching Swedish TV. I couldn't wait to get to Denmark the next day.

september 23-26: Denmark. Although I am only 1/4 Danish, it occupies my most dominant physical features. The blonde hair, fair skin, the nose, the blue eyes, the height... everything about myself was Scandinavian. It was really interesting to be able to experience it at the reach of my fingertips. I had fallen extremely ill when I arrived to Denmark, resulting in a bacterial lung infection along the lines of pneumonia. The healthcare system in Denmark was so gracious and got me in right away, but my energy was gone, my body hurt everywhere, I had a raging fever and felt like I was suffocating. All. The. Time. 
I was pretty much on my death bed for my entire visit in Denmark, which was the last thing I wanted. I was under the care of my incredible family, who made me the most delicious soup and toast, just like my mum would if I was at home. I did have some amazing highlights from my time in Denmark though.
On the 24th I saw Blåvand. This is the west coast of Jutland, where my Morfar (mother's father) learned how to swim. It's essentially the tofino of Denmark, about 3.5 hours west of Copenhagen. I had my wind blown back at the top of the lighthouse there, taking in the view while raindrops whipped me across my cheeks. That afternoon I enjoyed real smørrbrød, or more commonly known as open-faced sandwiches, with the eldest member of the family Herta, who is about 92 years old. The photo above is the house that she along with my great grandmother and all of their siblings grew up in. Herta doesn't speak a lick of English, but it was so warming to hear her laugh and converse with the other family members. 
The 25th I was able to muster up a bit of energy to explore Copenhagen, which is an extremely busy city. I had the opportunity to see where the Royal Family of Denmark lives, and saw Nyhavn which used to be an old part of town where the sailors would come to party at night with women at their disposal. It's now a tourist attraction, lined with many cafes and restaurants. 
Denmark was all in all, beautiful. I wish I hadn't been so sick to take in more, but that just means I will go back.

september 26-october 1: Conclusion. I spent the tail end of my trip with my cousin and her family in Amsterdam. Originally from Denmark, she was able to incorporate a little more of the Danish heritage I was seeking while I was over there. While in Amsterdam, I was able to witness how wild the biking situation is and actually got to experience it myself biking along the countryside. And yeah, I can also confirm that the amount of weed floating around this city almost levels up to what we see here in British Columbia.
Amsterdam was all in all gorgeous. It was a city that reminded me so much of Vancouver in relation to the busy-ness of the city, and how accepting the culture is. Towards my last few days of my time in Amsterdam, I could feel that I was starting to miss my routine at home, just a little.

Flying home yesterday I was bagged after spending more than 20 hours on planes. No, I didn't want to put my holiday to an end, but I needed to get home to get back to being healthy. My sickness is slowly starting to get better, but my super sexy voice would tell you otherwise.
I loved every minute of my trip. I can confidently say that I am walking away from these three weeks with absolutely no regrets on what I did. I'm broke as fuck, but I have a mind full of incredible memories that I will cherish always. 
The biggest takeaway from my trip though was what I learned. I wanted to be uncomfortable, I wanted to be pushed out of my routine, I wanted to learn how to love being alone. And yeah, I crushed those goals. It's crazy to sit back and look at how much you can grow as an individual in a short timeframe. I realized that there is so much more out there in this world that people need to experience. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone was one thing, but learning how to love being alone was the healthiest thing I could have done for my anxiety. 
If you're thinking about travelling, go. Book a flight. Start planning. Think about what you want to achieve while you're away. Make that your goal. I've only shaved a small portion off the iceberg of travel, and I can assure you this won't be my last solo trip. 
This was the best trip of my life, this was the beauty of being alone and uncomfortable.
<3

If I could truthfully wrap up the person that I have become in the past year since I've moved home, I'd have a hard time trying to put it into a few words.
It's been a hell of a year.
July 2nd marked 365 days back in Kelowna to start my life over again. I went from having a successful job in the big city, doing life by hanging onto this crazy carpet of life, to nothing but two full-time jobs and a fresh start.
It felt good.
My life was absolute chaos, and I loved it. I was handling the past that I left behind here one slap in the face at a time, and it felt good. My old life was finally getting put to rest. There's a new Shelly in town... brace yourselves. I had a goal in mind to save my money and learn to appreciate the little things in life. It felt so incredible to take a step back and let myself float.
I had a new relationship that kept me on my toes, pushing me to be the best version of myself. He was exactly what I needed at that moment in time.
What I didn't have though, was a goal. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I was confused as to where I was supposed to be. I sought out coaching but unfortunately it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.
When the relationship was taken away from me, I had never been so hurt, driven, and motivated in my life. I challenged myself, trained my ass off and started thinking about 2018.
To compete... or not compete... that was the question.

I started competing in 2014, back when it was just starting to gain its popularity. Being that I had danced almost my entire life, competing to me was second nature. I loved the challenge, motivation and mental strength I was beginning to experience all over again, just in a different setting. 
November 2014, I qualified for BC Provincials in 2015.
May 2015, I competed in BC Provincials and placed last.
September 2015, I competed in another novice show and did not place top 5.
...seriously? Fuck this. I'm done with this bullshit hobby.
May 2016, my mom competed in a novice show and did not qualify. Seeing her disappointment motivated me to do another show, so I said "Mom, we're doing the new Vancity Showdown natural show in October. You don't have a choice."
October 2016, we both qualified for Natural Provincials.
May 2017, I qualified for the CBBF-IFBB Pro Qualifier in 2018/2019.
But January 2018, I hung up my heels for good. I realized that after I had surgery and learning how to workout again basically as a person who had never stepped foot in a gym, that I appreciated a different aspect of fitness that not many competitors get to experience.
I began to appreciate my health. My wellness. My balance. My mentality. I appreciated a whole new 'process' because learning how to workout again was a fucking struggle and a half. I hadn't felt this frustrated with my physique in god knows how long. I hated that I had to let my body rest and allow it to heal all over the place. I wanted to jump out of bed and run and do things and be lean... But I couldn't. For the first time in almost four years... I had to let my body rest. For the first time in almost four years, I didn't want to compete. I was done.

In and amongst all these days of feeling high and low about the fact that my fitness had been put on standalone for a hot minute, I realized that the reason why I wanted to compete again was simply because I qualified for Nationals. I didn't want to do it because I enjoyed the process anymore, I didn't want to do it because I wanted to be on stage. It was this mindset that I almost felt like I had​ to compete because I qualified. Now what I want to make clear is this, amongst many other reasons, shouldn't be a motivator for anyone who is in the competitive world of Bodybuilding. You should want to compete because you love it, because being on stage is your passion, and showcasing your physique is something that makes you proud.
I'll tell you one thing, getting my body fat percentage down to an absolutely disgusting number and watching my comfortable bodyweight drop from 120lbs to 104 makes me queazy. Sure, I look back at some of my old photoshoots and think damn, that version of me looked good. I'd like to add though, if I didn't get to eat my 3oz of chicken, 100g of broccoli and 100g of rice every three hours, you were dead to me. I was not nice.
Yeah, a body like a ferrari, but my insides were about as poor as a 1993 burnt out pontiac. Needless to say, that period of rest that I experienced not only gave me an oil change, but I also flushed my transmission fluid and got a new alternator. You feel me?
I started running, I've done some yoga, I started stretching, meditating, reduced my cardio to about 30 minutes per day give or take, and I've started focusing on muscle development rather than seeing how much I can throw on a rack without breaking my back. I eat whatever I want (...INCLUDING GLUTEN), and don't feel guilty. This... is what balance is. This is having fitness as a lifestyle.
I started thinking about what I want to see out of my fitness career. My instagram has gone from being #fitspo and #bikinicompetitor, worrying about maintaining my excessive amount of followers, to taking a step back and enjoying LIFE. I thought about getting married and having babies, and thought about what it was going to take for my kids to look at their mommy and daddy and think "wow, my parents are dope because they enjoy fitness as a lifestyle"... what more could I want out of that?
Nothing.
My fitness, to this date, is by far the best that it has ever been in my entire life. I feel strong, I feel motivated (most days), and mindfully rested. I could even go as far as saying that I have been re-anchored by fitness.
Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

Back in February, I stepped back up into management with the company that I work for. After about three months of trying to figure out where I was supposed to be, I had to have a conversation with myself.
Richelle, you're smart. You have everything going for you. Why are you wasting your time wondering what's next? Why are you doubting what you're capable of? What's wrong with giving it a shot, and diving in?
Back into management I went. I was scared shitless, don't get me wrong. I jumped down this waterslide where I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to drown or fly out the plastic slide into a pool of endless opportunity. I regret nothing, and it's a blast. I don't know what to expect, it tests my level of OCD because no, I actually can't know everything that is going to happen next. It challenges me to better myself, to develop myself and others, and opens up an incredible door of opportunity. 
Following my mom's footsteps, I have always had an entrepreneurial mindset. I love that I am self-sufficient, financially independent and have great work ethic. Living in Vancouver taught me how to take my work ethic to another level where it was almost uncomfortable. I became relentless. I felt like if I didn't complete the task that I had on my plate, I was done for. Not that this was actually the case, but that's the expectation that I learned to set for myself, and have since kept that standard at an extremely high level. It's incredible knowing that this stage of my life is setting me up for my future, and I have a handful of amazing coaches that are helping me become the best bossbitch I can possibly be. 
I'm incredibly grateful.

It's a battle learning how to love yourself. I hate social media for that aspect. The problem with our society is because of social media, it has created this disgusting and over-sexualized image of what we are supposed to be, how we are supposed to act, how we are supposed to portray ourselves.
Why though?
I am absolutely, 100% guilty for falling into this whirlwind of how to display myself. If I look at how my Instagram account used to be, a prime example would be when I used to compete - it was full of hashtags and photos of me in the gym or modelling, whatever I may have been doing. All I know is that it was exhausting. So when I moved home to Kelowna last year, I knew I had to change something. I made my account private, and closed myself off to what the world thought I was. 
I am not a fitsporation. I am not a fitness model. I am Richelle.
I have a name, I have a personality, I have a body, and I have a mind.
That... is what I want to make clear.
So do you.
When I think of what I want to be remembered by, I think about what I love the most about myself. I want to be remembered for who I am as a person... Who I impacted. I don't want to be remembered because of an appearance, that's just not who I am anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I still have so much respect and appreciation for myself in my fitness journey. I look at old photos of how I was, but I have a different thought towards them. I no longer look at the girl in the photo. I look at the art that the photographer was capturing, and how beautiful I felt in that moment. 
That all said, is how I will begin to love myself.
...it's a goddamn process, okay?

What I'd like to make very clear with all that was said above, the point of this post is to say that this year has been full of learning experiences, personal growth, and many ups and downs. I am working on me. I am striving to be a better person.
I am just doing Shelly for a while. I just need to float.
Please, be patient, and let me be me.

<3

hygge  [hoo-ga]
origin: denmark
as winnie the pooh would say, you don't spell it, you feel it. it is comfort, feeling, happiness, cozy, calm... it is the absence from what some may describe as annoyance. it is a state of living well.

I read a book specifically on Hygge this week, it's literally called "The Little Book of Hygge - The Danish Way to Live Well". Not many people know but my mom's father (Morfar - Danish for Mother's Father), immigrated from Denmark when he was 17. He's the one I can thank for my natural blonde hair and weird eyes (I don't know if they're considered grey or blue or green, who knows, I just see with them). Apart from physical appearances, he also brought along a very special heritage when he came to Canada, something that not many people get to experience on the daily.
A few years ago, I heard this saying that Danish people are considered the happiest people on earth, and I wondered why. The more I looked into it, the less it became about the fact that their education is paid for, the more it became about the fact that they prioritize family and self-comfort, just two examples of what truly makes Danish people, the​ happiest people on earth. 
The question I began to ask myself is why is it that it is so unique to Denmark? It's actually not, the only drawback is that Hygge does not directly translate into anything specific in the English language. We can all relate to what it is though.
Think of the times that you throw on your favourite cozy socks, you make yourself a decadent cup of tea, you turn on your favourite lamp or dim the lights, you throw on your favorite music, you snuggle up next to a loved one, you light a few candles to set the mood...
Wait, set the mood for what?
Exactly.
Why do we light candles anyway?
They're a feel good thing. They bring instant warmth and comfort to our souls, which is why some people light two, three, sometimes more candles every day to bring themselves down to earth. 
You get the idea. All of these are perfect examples of what hygge really is. I'm more than confident that you can all come up with great examples of your own, but what I'm getting at is how important it is.

You know that feeling you get around the holidays, where you're all cozy with your family members or on your own just being the spirit of Christmas... that's so hygge. This exact same act can be practiced on the daily, whether it's on your own or with a pile of people. Hygge is for everyone, and can be practiced as little or as much as you'd like. Hey, if you want to have a whole day of hygge, have at it. Your hygge is unique to you. 
My personal favorite way to hygge is to put my pyjamas on, light a candle, drink my favourite tea and shove my cold feet under my mom's legs (she thinks it's as wonderful as it sounds too, right ma?), and just be in the moment. We may not do this all the time, but when we do, we do it the same way every time. 
In fact, if I can recall, doing it that exact way (minus the tea because 'tea is for old ladies') even as a kid. Spending those little moments with my mom were very precious to me as she worked a lot when I was growing up - but you better believe that I looked forward to it. One of my favourite things to do with my mom growing up is to play with her hair. My mom, like me, is also blonde with a ton of hair. I'd grab my favourite hairbrush and, like, a hundred colourful scrunchies and I would make it my duty to get each and every one of those little scrunchies on her head. It was beautiful.
It also felt wonderful when she had to take them all out after I was done.
We still do this, but I braid her hair instead of put ponytails in it.
Ahh, childhood nostalgia.

Take time for you, take time to recognize that you are a living, breathing life form that requires time to rest, relax and regenerate. Whether you do this in the morning, at night, or dedicate a whole day or a week to do it, the importance of it is substantial to our overall health and well-being. 
The fact is that we actually don't know this until we actually experience a moment in it.
That sense of comfort, homey-ness, calm and happiness... we all have the ability to create this for ourselves and others. You can even carry it with you in your presence. It's up to you on how you choose to embrace hygge in your life, and I believe that it is completely possible. We are all unique and have our own sense of pride when it comes to displaying how we do it, if we choose to show it at all. 
The choice is yours.
Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the hygge, the good life​. 

<3 

(release)
the moment i took my thoughts and wrote them down for all to see, was the moment i realized i no longer cared about what others thought about the person that i was becoming. 
it's happening again.

I think the more that we stress about what others think about who we are as individuals, the less likely we are allowing our souls to be as vulnerable as we'd like them to be.
Vulnerable. You like that? I do.
The year of 2017 was a big one. It was a HAUL of a year. I never in a million years would have expected any of the circumstances that occurred in that year to actually happen. Here we are, just one week into 2018, and it's already set off with a bang. 
I've grown to believe that the more that we put on our plate no matter what it is related to, the more proactive we become for our future selves. Challenging yourself and your work ethic in a way that helps you grow within yourself. To understand the depths of what you're capable of doing. We can all be our own superheros, it's just up to us whether we want to accept the challenge or not. 
"You're crazy. You work so hard. You train too hard. You're too strict with your diet. You don't eat enough." 
Interesting! Your opinion is flaccid it is not a fact. Always remember that. 
The way that we choose to live our lives is our choice for ourselves. If you are doing something that you truly believe in your head that will benefit your future self or bring you happiness in some way... DO IT. What is the worst thing that could happen? You learn something? 
God forbid.
Never regret any decision you make for yourself. This is an opportunity for you to become better as a person, even if it doesn't work out. Just trust that the choice that you made will bring you some form of benefit in the long run, no matter what. Always, always, always see the brightness of the sun. 

Many of us go through life experiencing the what-if's that passed us in time. I wonder what would have happened if I had done __________. Why did you hold back, anyway? My question to you all is if you have a thought, an idea, a desire or dream... Why are you waiting to do it? We live in a time where the opportunities for us as humans are absolutely endless.
I will never forget that feeling I felt when I decided I was moving home to Kelowna after literally swearing I would never move back here. I was coming back to visit my mom for a few days as a getaway. I was ready to dip my toes back in the water of the city I used to call home, although I was terrified. I was coming down the connector which overlooked Peachland and I saw Okanagan lake. My eyes filled with tears and my heart sunk through the floor of my car. I decided, I was going to quit my job that week. Yup, decided. I'm quitting the job I worked so hard to achieve, and move back to the city that brought me so much confusion, bad energy, growth and love. I was ready to face my past, and move forward, and holy Hannah did I ever come home to everything I left behind, but it didn't phase me. I made a choice that I was not going to associate myself with the negativity I was previously involved with. I literally started over, and it was amazing. In the six months that I have been home, I have learned everything from opening up with a whole new level of vulnerability, trusting the process of life, accepting that people do come and go in your life, and all of this is perfectly normal. 

I learned so many amazing things about myself while I was living in Vancouver, including adaptability. Taking things that just happen in life and saying to myself, okay. This thing that happened is a lesson that future me is going to be like yes girl you learned about this and now you know how to handle it, so move forward. 
I have stopped living in the past, I stopped looking at what caused me distress previously and instead looking at what will be in the future, and believing that I can get there. Do you follow?
It's all mental. Overthinking, racing thoughts, stress. We've all been there. What I learned that worked for me is taking a step back, thinking about all that is causing this stress and anxiety, and processing why it's making me feel that way. Teach yourself how to process instead of react. In recent weeks, I have taught myself how to meditate. Every night before bed, 10 minutes, is my time to do the following:

• Find three things that I am thankful for that happened that day
• Remove my thoughts from what exists in the outside and bringing all awareness to the inside
• Settle my mind and know that no matter what may have occurred in the day that caused stress, that it was nothing more than a lesson. Onward and upward.

Know that the time that you dedicate to yourself before you rest is the time that your mentality can regenerate. This is what we call self-care. Some may even consider it loving yourself. Whatever it is to you, it will generate nothing but health and positivity, and the benefits are endless.

Being in a place where you feel unsettled and unsure, requires nothing more than time, time, time. I am a firm believer that human beings are capable of achieving practically anything in life, the key is to set yourself in a position where you, and only you, believe that you can get there. Encourage yourself that the choices that you are making are good for you. The negativity you may find in life isn't actually negative, rather it is just a form of teaching that life has. Accept challenges. Push yourself. Take time to unwind. Grow yourself. This year is less about resolutions for me. I'm focusing strictly on taking life by the reins, being scared shitless, and enjoying the ride. Here's to 2018, and another year around the sun. 

<3

Girl loves her puns. 

I got addicted to these little gaffs when I was living in Vancouver. They were a growing phenomenon at various health shops and juiceries, but the biggest problem is that you don't ​really know what's going into them, as delicious as they are. 
I am one of many with serious stomach issues, and going completely gluten-free two years ago has given me a variety of setbacks in my diet. That on top of being ultra-sensitive to many other foods, I was finding that when I rewarded myself with something like an açai bowl, my stomach was ​not happy. Many of these yummy bowls are packed with many unnecessary ingredients to act as fillers to make the bowls 'bigger', but can actually cause more damage to your digestion than you think. My goal was to re-create a bowl that is tummy-friendly for those with stomach issues such as myself.
Today all I could think about was how good it would taste to eat a bowl of berries as a snack. I thought about it pretty much my entire workout to be completely honest! As an even better reward, I stopped into Nature's Fare on my way home from my workout and picked up some açai berry powder along with my other groceries, and head home to take a stab at one of these wholesome bowls myself.
I tried looking up a few recipes on pinterest, but after much failure, I took it upon myself to guess what a good recipe would be and, well, I was pretty pleased with the result. 
What I found online was that many of these bowls use dairy, bananas, unnecessary fats and added sugars. I don't want any of that. I have recently stopped eating foods with high potassium in them due to an imbalance in my blood, which caused me to have a long streak of health problems. Stress, unfortunately didn't mix well with it either, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
So, I skipped the nonsense and stuck with what I knew, and it made magic baby.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 scoop of Active Body Nutrition whey isolate - Vanilla
• 1 cup blueberries
• 1 tbsp organic freeze-dried açai powder
• 1 cup unsweetened almond milk
• 1/2 cup ice

Toppings: your choice! I chose unsweetened shredded coconut (1tbsp), Prime almond and coconut granola *GLUTEN-FREE* (30g), and hemp hearts (1tbsp). Other toppings that would be great: strawberries, kiwi, cacao nibs, chopped almonds, coconut chips... endless choices.

I hope this brings some clarity to many of you! I have a happy tummy and no post-meal bloating... we're off to good places.

Have a great week, everyone! 

<3 

for today, and everyday... be the love that you want to see in others. love yourself first and foremost. it's not selfish, it's self-love and acceptance. you cannot give what you do not possess. 
​-millie parmer

The connection of the mind, the physical body and the inner spirit equals unity, alignment and peace to the self. Without this connection, this unity and alignment cannot exist.
If you don't believe in your mind that it can happen, your body will respond negatively resulting in a poor spirit, and an overall negative attitude to the world that has been created for us to thrive on. Something that I have found absolutely beautiful about life is that as long as we are alive on this planet, we are given infinite chances. We are given the opportunity to change our life with every breath that we take, every thought that floats through our brain, every stride we step when we run. We are given these choices because we have been given life​. I am lucky because I have not only been given life, but I have been given choices, which as a result produced many things. Opportunities. Challenges. Failures. I have been gifted these to broaden my mind, to strengthen my spirit, and to open my spirit.
I didn't always see this way, though.

From January to February, I was morbidly depressed, packed to the rim with anxiety, disliked everything about my life, and was extremely suicidal. I didn't see a lot of purpose for me to be in Vancouver as the relationship I had been in when I had initially moved down had come to a sudden end, my trust issues revolving around relationships exploded out again, and ultimately I just didn't want to be here anymore. Or anywhere. I cried almost every day because of what I was going through and didn't have anyone I could really talk to about it. 
What had I done?
I had a horrible track record. I went through relationships like I did with shampoo, I got bored of the scent or it left a residue that I needed out ASAP. My issue was that I got so picky with the people I chose to spend my time with, that I allowed myself to build a reputation that I had commitment issues and would jump from relationship to relationship, without actually giving myself an opportunity to be single. 
I realized how much I disliked myself for it. I ruined my sense of pride. I wasn't proud of my track record, because I allowed these relationships to develop to a state that, well, they liked me more than I liked them. Why? Well, as much as it may be hard to believe, I'm actually not that confident. My trust issues in relationships mostly involve me assuming that all males have 2-3 other women on the go while they are investing their time in me, and as soon as I caught that assumption, I ghosted them. Every. Single. One.

Now you're probably waiting for the whole 'so... when did it change?' story. It's nothing too crazy to be honest, just a couple trips to the doctor and an amazing human being who came into my life who taught me how to value myself and be true to my word. He quickly became one of my closest friends. I learned how to be completely vulnerable with myself. How to be patient, to trust that everything will fall into place, how to plan, and how to care. I'm grateful for that. I have gotten a heck of a lot better, I promise that. Although this was the only real positive I had in my life, I was also under so much stress in the city living paycheque to paycheque, making it merely impossible for me to make ends meet. 
I lost confidence in myself that I wasn't able to make it by in Vancouver, and that even though I was on my own, I was becoming more dependent on finding balance than I had ever been before. 
Why can't I get it together.
Why can't I make this work.
Why can't I find happiness.

Beginning of the month: I need out. Get me out. I cry almost every day now with how unhappy I am here... But I love my job. I can't stay afloat because Vancouver is annihilating my bank account, as much as I love it. I go home to Kelowna for a few days. Not even making it into West Kelowna, I have crystal clear settlement that I need to move home. My emotions are unbearable, my heart hurts. My visit home I did as much meditation as my body would allow. The calmness that surrounded me stuck. I was clear, my mind was pure. I need to go. How the fuck do I do this. 
Middle of the month: Bit the bullet. I gave my notice to my job that I absolutely love. I know that in a perfect world I would take that job and bring it with me back to Kelowna, but unfortunately that isn't going to be the reality. I know though, that I made the right decision. I have absolutely no idea what Kelowna is going to bring me. I don't even know if I have a job when I move back. But holy Hannah am I ever happy to move back to the Okanagan. The vibration flowing through my body is making it clear as day that the timing is right for me to move home.
End of the month: Difficult. Saying goodbye to the people I have worked with over the past nine months brought instant nostalgia. I know they're going to be okay, I know they will continue to grow. My heart aches knowing I won't physically be there to support. But I trust that they are in good hands. I left behind what could have been a really amazing relationship, and I didn't even have the opportunity to fall into it because I didn't allow myself to. I met him at the wrong time, although part of me wonders what would have happened had I chosen to give it a shot.
​I wonder if I'll ever know.

Since I have come back home to Kelowna, it has been different. The best way that I can describe it is that it's slow. My life has completely slowed down, and I have found my balance again. I may not be working my dream job at the moment, nor do I know what that looks like right now. But I am happy to say that I am on my own, independent as always, contented. Little things don't bother me. Traffic doesn't bother me. Nothing really phases me; the most important factor of all of this though, is that I finally feel like I'm home. I'm alive, for that I'm grateful. I have devoted the first part of my day, every day, to compliment myself. To love myself. To set my intentions for myself. To embrace what it's like to be a whole, naked-souled human being (read more on my interview with the face behind @the_nakedproject here). The past is what I can barely see in my rear view mirror, but the bright, fiery future lies ahead. Brb, going to start building my empire.
​It's good to be back. 

<3

you can't start the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last. 

I WILL ADMIT - For the past few months, I have been in a very dark headspace. What I thought was going to be an amazing year, has been one of the most challenging ones to bet. 
All I wanted was clarity. I wanted confirmation. I wanted the chapter I was in to end. But like all things in life, we want what we can't have, and many times, we learn that the hard way. I was in the most claustrophobic, anxiety-driven box that closed me in so tight that I was running out of oxygen. 
This time, my learning was extra shitty. I hate being so smart in ways that I just know something is up, and when I receive that confirmation, it makes me wish I had just been oblivious the entire time. Well... C'est la vie. 

UNHAPPINESS CAN ONLY BE DRIVEN BY YOURSELF. I know this. My unhappiness was wearing off on everything around me. I lost my drive to do what I love the most - fitness. I also lost my passion to write and hadn't even broken open my journal since November, what kind of garbage is that? 
It's not that a little birdy told me that I should pick my pen up again. I just realized that you know what, if I really wanted it and really wanted to make time for my passions again, I needed to dedicate that time in my day to do those things. This included my training and mental development. 
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and I am so unbelievably lucky to be in the position that I'm in. But being that I was in such a dark frame of mind, I knew something had to change in order for me to start thriving again.

Consider it a blessing or a curse, but being intuitive to my mind/body/soul has helped me learn some of life's hardest lessons. Knowing that something is going to happen before it actually happens sucks at times... take it for what it is. But one of the biggest benefits to it is that I have learned how to not invest all of my time and energy into one singular thought or action. I am resistant, but not afraid to pop the gun when I need to. Life is about taking chances and trusting the process. I am so lucky that I have pulled out of this darkness completely. It's pretty sketchy in that box, not going to lie.
All I can say for now is that it feels good to be typing my thoughts down again. It's good to be back.

All my love, friends.

<3