Letting go of the thread

learning to let go of the things you thought brought you happiness, the things that we use as a vice, or the people we thought were good to us, will probably be the biggest weightloss journey you will ever endure when they are gone.
waiting for the right time to do it though is where we will continue to let ourselves down. the time to do it is now.

a leave of absence

I realize that it has been a minute since I have written, and for those who follow I truly apologize for my neglect to my blog. It has been a wild couple of years since I have done a post, and I think my biggest battle was trying to come up with content when I was enduring the craziest growth period of my existence. I thought 2018 was a massive year to grow but in the last two years, even the last two months, I think I've aged mentally about 10 years, and my tolerance for bullshit has simply vanished. 
Moving along.
For those who know me and who have followed me along my life journey kind of have an idea of where my head has been at lately, and in recent weeks I've had the opportunity to hone in on some of the internal struggles I have kept under wraps, I suppose I tried to push them under the rug in an effort to forget about them. I was trying to move forward with my life, but alas they have resurfaced. It's not a bad thing, rather it's just a reality I am facing as I try to figure out what works and what doesn't as I tap into holding integrity within myself.

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i feel good

I will say most of 2019 I felt good. I was finally manifesting some of the things I had always wanted to chase, my relationships with people were starting to get stronger, and I was starting to understand what I truly wanted in life. Towards the end of 2019 I had ended a relationship with someone whom I thought at the time was a good fit for me, but the longer I was in it, the more I became depressed, the worse my anxiety got, and the more I craved being by myself. I realized in the end that I completely lacked integrity when I started the relationship which as a result caused me to feel like I was suffocating in my own life.
I knew all of this boiled down to needing to communicate at a higher level, but I was stuck between the cold hard truth and sugar-coating my thoughts. All of the baggage I had left in 2018 was starting to resurface, and I couldn't run away from it, I felt like I was living in a different universe. I realized how mentally unstable I was and how much I relied on certain vices to cope with my emotions, but instead of dealing with them at the time I, again, chose to ignore them by ending this relationship abruptly and focus on other hobbies that brought me happiness. It was like retail therapy, things that bring you life and excitement for a short period of time and to be honest, it was exactly what I needed at the time. That being said, it was temporary, and it came back twice as hard in 2020.

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Deal with your shit

2020 brought all of us a nice little surprise. Hello pandemic, nice to meet you. Little did I know that this pandemic, which I think (my opinion, thank you so much), is an absolute joke, would in time bring me so much clarity. All of the emotions and mental garbage I had attempted to just push to the side was starting to arise due to the fact that I just had so much time on my hands, I had time to think about what I wanted and how to process things like an adult. I also had time to own my shit and figure out how to be a better, more honest version of myself. Most importantly though, I needed to remind myself of my worth. 
I learned how to be honest with myself, to speak my truth.
I learned how to slow down, and be okay with it.
I learned how to live in the present.
I learned how to take things in stride, that even if things don't work out the way that you want them to, that you have to forgive, forget, and move forward.
I learned that, even though you may think you know someone well, and that no matter how good you may have been to them in the past, that they can and will turn their back on you.
​Read that again.
I am learning that what mattered to me a year, two years, five years and ten years ago doesn't matter to me as much if not at all anymore.
I am learning to be okay with feeling the way that I feel.
I am learning that it is okay to not have it all figured out.
I am learning that even though someone may have hurt me in the past, that there are still good people out there.
I have taught myself, now more than ever, to trust until you are given a reason not to anymore, and that goes for absolutely everything in life. At the end of the day, my intention for my personal growth over the pandemic was to be the bigger person in every situation, and no matter how much I may be hurt, to always always always move forward. I had to learn to accept apologies that I will probably never receive, and be grateful that I can still pick myself back up when life tries to push me down. 
​Scabs always heal, anyways. 

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the past is the past, and it will pass by

Of all the things I have really come to realize in the last couple of months, there was a massive point that I want to dissect a little further.
Take a moment to think about what matters the most to you right now, whether it be related to your goals or even in a relationship. What does that look like?
Now take another moment to remember what mattered the most to you five years ago. What about ten years ago? The odds those goals are completely different I'm going to guess are very high. The reason for this is because as we grow older and as we mature and gain more life experience, the more we tap into things that matter more to us now than they might have back then. Some of the things that we thought were the make or break components to what will make us happy, no longer serve us purpose. 
The point I want to get across is that what matters most to us now could completely reshape the way we experience our future. This alone could very well be the breaking point of what pushes us to experience a challenging but exciting future, or continue living in comfort, which I will say again - if you aren't growing, you're dying. Embrace these moments of being aware of what you want. Be present in the now, hold integrity within yourself, and stop holding onto what you thought you wanted back then. That little thread, that little thing you thought mattered to you, was you neglecting the fact that what is meant for you and what you really want in life, will be right in front of you the second you cut that tie to your past. Believe me when I say it will be the most energizing and powerful weight loss journeys of your life - the time to grow into yourself is now, and it is so completely okay to be selfish in this time. Just please do yourself a favour - hold integrity with yourself, be honest with your people, and be honest with your future. 
"A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' uttered merely to please or to avoid trouble" - Gandhi

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