for today, and everyday... be the love that you want to see in others. love yourself first and foremost. it's not selfish, it's self-love and acceptance. you cannot give what you do not possess.
The connection of the mind, the physical body and the inner spirit equals unity, alignment and peace to the self. Without this connection, this unity and alignment cannot exist.
If you don't believe in your mind that it can happen, your body will respond negatively resulting in a poor spirit, and an overall negative attitude to the world that has been created for us to thrive on. Something that I have found absolutely beautiful about life is that as long as we are alive on this planet, we are given infinite chances. We are given the opportunity to change our life with every breath that we take, every thought that floats through our brain, every stride we step when we run. We are given these choices because we have been given life. I am lucky because I have not only been given life, but I have been given choices, which as a result produced many things. Opportunities. Challenges. Failures. I have been gifted these to broaden my mind, to strengthen my spirit, and to open my spirit.
I didn't always see this way, though.
I started there, now i'm here
I had a dream a couple years ago to move down to the coast. I don't know what was drawing me there and why I wanted to move there so badly, but there was something so enticing about the big city that I hadn't experienced yet, I just wasn't sure when it would happen for me.
When I did move down there, it was only supposed to be for a month as I have spoken about in the past. I was at a point in my life where leaving the Okanagan couldn't have been more perfect, I needed out of the city. There was a lot of toxic energy that resonated here that I will admit, I ran away from for some time. I wasn't at a point of maturity where I had the confidence to approach issues that occurred in my life, rather I chose to ignore them in hopes that they would go away.
...are you kidding me?!
I will admit, I have still yet to perfect this, however I've gotten a hell of a lot better at dealing with my problems because who knew that handling it actually reduces prolonged anxiety... weird.
Anyway, in my mind at the time, Kelowna sucked. I didn't like the city at all, and after experiencing the lifestyle of Vancouver, I really didn't want to go back. I had met someone down there when I had initially moved, my family was down there, I saw a future with my job, and the lifestyle seemed to fit pretty alright.
All aspects of my life were aligned. I was completely head over heels for the person I had met down there, I saw myself being with him long term, the relationship was new and exciting... Why would I risk losing a relationship like that? Plus, I was closer to reaching a corporate job that I had always dreamed of, with the company that I love.
So I stayed.
From January to February, I was morbidly depressed, packed to the rim with anxiety, disliked everything about my life, and was extremely suicidal. I didn't see a lot of purpose for me to be in Vancouver as the relationship I had been in when I had initially moved down had come to a sudden end, my trust issues revolving around relationships exploded out again, and ultimately I just didn't want to be here anymore. Or anywhere. I cried almost every day because of what I was going through and didn't have anyone I could really talk to about it.
What had I done?
I had a horrible track record. I went through relationships like I did with shampoo, I got bored of the scent or it left a residue that I needed out ASAP. My issue was that I got so picky with the people I chose to spend my time with, that I allowed myself to build a reputation that I had commitment issues and would jump from relationship to relationship, without actually giving myself an opportunity to be single.
I realized how much I disliked myself for it. I ruined my sense of pride. I wasn't proud of my track record, because I allowed these relationships to develop to a state that, well, they liked me more than I liked them. Why? Well, as much as it may be hard to believe, I'm actually not that confident. My trust issues in relationships mostly involve me assuming that all males have 2-3 other women on the go while they are investing their time in me, and as soon as I caught that assumption, I ghosted them. Every. Single. One.
Now you're probably waiting for the whole 'so... when did it change?' story. It's nothing too crazy to be honest, just a couple trips to the doctor and an amazing human being who came into my life who taught me how to value myself and be true to my word. He quickly became one of my closest friends. I learned how to be completely vulnerable with myself. How to be patient, to trust that everything will fall into place, how to plan, and how to care. I'm grateful for that. I have gotten a heck of a lot better, I promise that. Although this was the only real positive I had in my life, I was also under so much stress in the city living paycheque to paycheque, making it merely impossible for me to make ends meet.
I lost confidence in myself that I wasn't able to make it by in Vancouver, and that even though I was on my own, I was becoming more dependent on finding balance than I had ever been before.
Why can't I get it together.
Why can't I make this work.
Why can't I find happiness.
Beginning of the month: I need out. Get me out. I cry almost every day now with how unhappy I am here... But I love my job. I can't stay afloat because Vancouver is annihilating my bank account, as much as I love it. I go home to Kelowna for a few days. Not even making it into West Kelowna, I have crystal clear settlement that I need to move home. My emotions are unbearable, my heart hurts. My visit home I did as much meditation as my body would allow. The calmness that surrounded me stuck. I was clear, my mind was pure. I need to go. How the fuck do I do this.
Middle of the month: Bit the bullet. I gave my notice to my job that I absolutely love. I know that in a perfect world I would take that job and bring it with me back to Kelowna, but unfortunately that isn't going to be the reality. I know though, that I made the right decision. I have absolutely no idea what Kelowna is going to bring me. I don't even know if I have a job when I move back. But holy Hannah am I ever happy to move back to the Okanagan. The vibration flowing through my body is making it clear as day that the timing is right for me to move home.
End of the month: Difficult. Saying goodbye to the people I have worked with over the past nine months brought instant nostalgia. I know they're going to be okay, I know they will continue to grow. My heart aches knowing I won't physically be there to support. But I trust that they are in good hands. I left behind what could have been a really amazing relationship, and I didn't even have the opportunity to fall into it because I didn't allow myself to. I met him at the wrong time, although part of me wonders what would have happened had I chosen to give it a shot.
I wonder if I'll ever know.
Since I have come back home to Kelowna, it has been different. The best way that I can describe it is that it's slow. My life has completely slowed down, and I have found my balance again. I may not be working my dream job at the moment, nor do I know what that looks like right now. But I am happy to say that I am on my own, independent as always, contented. Little things don't bother me. Traffic doesn't bother me. Nothing really phases me; the most important factor of all of this though, is that I finally feel like I'm home. I'm alive, for that I'm grateful. I have devoted the first part of my day, every day, to compliment myself. To love myself. To set my intentions for myself. To embrace what it's like to be a whole, naked-souled human being (read more on my interview with the face behind @the_nakedproject here). The past is what I can barely see in my rear view mirror, but the bright, fiery future lies ahead. Brb, going to start building my empire.
It's good to be back.
Providing you with the knowledge that I encounter on a daily basis through my fitness lifestyle.