The mental state that I was in when I was on that stage last weekend was perfectly clear. I was fired up, excited, anxious, nervous, happy, and relaxed, all at the same time.
The last month of my prep was like tunnel vision for me... I had stage nostalgia like you wouldn't believe. This was the hardest prep I had ever endured, and I'll be totally honest... There were definitely times throughout my prep that I didn't think that I was going to do BC Provincials at all.
Walking onto the stage at BCs was my second time ever walking on stage as a bikini competitor. "Oh you'll be fine, you've done this before!" everyone told me leading up to the show... But inside I knew this show as different. As a natural bikini athlete, I don't believe in steroids, I don't believe in any kind of stimulants, I just believe in hard work and dedication to feeling your best. Now, given that these are my own personal beliefs, I think that everyone is entitled to do what they choose to their bodies as they wish, but for myself I want to know that the way I looked on stage at BCs is the just the way that I look.
It's now been a week since I my show. My energy levels have shot through the roof, my mentality has improved drastically (I didn't feel this way on Monday let me tell you that), and I have hardly gained any weight... Overall I just feel better. But it took a week of me battling extreme depression to finally wake up the last three days feeling great.
So, why would I be depressed? Why would I be going through such an awful stage of mind when I just had the time of my life on stage? I can't really explain why to be completely honest. It just happens... And I think 95% of people that do step on stage experience the same depression that I had this last week. Post Competition Depression as I like to call it. I had it my first show, and I even had it when I used to compete in Irish Dancing. So why? Why be upset about accomplishing something? Because I just busted my butt and dieted for 18 weeks, I lost 20 lbs, shaved my entire body, wore heels for an entire day, wore a sparkly bikini that I had glued to my ass and smiled as big as I possibly could, and now it's all over.
It's all over. Done. Donezilla. So now what? Cue depression... now. This is when people don't like being around you because you're sad all the time, and for a good reason! I now had to sit and figure out what I was going to do with my life now that I'm planning on taking a year off of competing! That's a lot to think about. I don't know if the depression was bad this time because I did this prep alone, and when I was sad and wanted to be little spoon it wasn't an option for me (I know, whoa is me). But the bad news stops here... I figured it out.
Balance. Healthy, mindful balance. With my 24th birthday coming up tomorrow, my goal this next year is to find my own definition balance and live it. I'm a human being, I'm allowed to enjoy treats and workout 3 times a day sometimes and lay in bed for hours and watch seasons on seasons of Friends. I do not revolve my life around being a bikini competitor, rather I revolve my life around pursuing a healthy lifestyle and setting realistic goals for myself that are attainable. I will step on stage again, but whatever my next show may be, it will be tested. I am a natural bikini athlete after all! I am so looking forward to spending this next year focusing on bettering myself and my state of mind. Every day is a process, and a challenge; we live our dreams through our actions so whatever the day brings, own your goals and stay grounded. I am proud of myself for mastering this prep and bringing my personal best to the BCs stage, and that's all that matters.
Providing you with the knowledge that I encounter on a daily basis through my fitness lifestyle.