Attempting vulnerability

It's been a long time coming, but I'm finally at the point where I'm ready to talk about it. Holy buckets, hold your freakin' horses. She's talking about love, people.
Vulnerability. What the heck does that mean... I don't even know if I know what it means fully, but from my understanding thus far, I think it means I'm supposed to open my heart.
I have spent the last year hiding behind a big brick wall being afraid to let anyone in. What do I mean by let anyone in? I mean like, let some guy into my soul. The deep stuff. Know what I mean?
I've got trust issues like you wouldn't believe. I hold a lot of stuff in, but I've got a big mind. Always thinking, always processing, but never emitting. 
When it comes to the 'R' word, or 'relationships' (oh good God), I have found that I have a tendency to run away. It's not that I'm the non-committal type, it's that I'm absolutely terrified of letting myself fall in love with anyone simply because I don't want to give my heart away to someone who doesn't deserve it.

I've been in love once, in fact I was completely head over heels for him. I really thought we would wind up married one day, we spent every waking minute of the day talking to one another. There was no one in the world that I was more excited to see or talk to at the end of the day than him. He was the biggest and most consistent part of my life for a very long time, and shared more memories with one another than I've ever had with anyone else. He knows me too well. Well enough that quite frankly our breakup affected my entire family, in a way it was like a divorce. I won't go too deep into detail, but ultimately we grew into two very different individuals who wanted different things in life at the time, and it ended before I knew it. Just like that.

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In general when relationships end between two people, they tend to find love, or lust, in someone who is the complete opposite of what they had in their past relationship. I have met some pretty unreal guys since my 'big' relationship ended, but no matter what I couldn't get my past relationship out of my mind. I was always comparing, they weren't him. I was afraid of falling for someone else because I didn't think it could ever feel as real as it did before. I'm confident that the 'real' feeling is still a possibility, but patience for the right one is something I am still learning.
This is also why girls tend to think that there are no 'good' guys in the world... No, there definitely are. But we are too busy running away from them and chasing the ones that are so wrong for us, that we forget about the ones that were so right for us in the first place. It's just a really sad little circle we tend to run around in, I think many of us are guilty for it. I learned my lesson. 
My mom gave me some great advice a few weeks ago when I was feeling a little bitter about the idea of any kind of relationship. Don't be afraid to fall again, it will happen when you least expect it and when you're least ready for it, but when it happens, you'll know it's right. Moms always know best, right?
Patience.

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Reflecting on the last year of my life, there have been more changes than I can count on my hands. My entire life is completely different from what it was last year, like holy smokes! I have met so many people, experienced so many changes, seen things I never saw before, my eyes have completely opened up, and slowly along with that, so has my heart. At this point in my life, I am not looking for love or wanting a relationship like many people are. Rather, I am taking this opportunity of being on my own to utilize my imagination and accomplish goals in order to build my future. 
"Don't you feel alone, though?"
Duh.
Sometimes it can get real lonely, don't get me wrong. I love that photo that has been circulating instagram lately that says "I can be the most independent girl 99% of the day, but the other 1% I just want to be little spoon". This could not be more true. The problem is that most guys don't understand independent women like I don't go to bed dreaming of being a housewife, thank you so much though! Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I just love the fact that I can do whatever I want with my life and not feel like I have to be watching my back because bae is keeping tabs of my life. No thank you. That said however, I am keeping a completely open mind, and a vulnerable heart, to whatever life throws at me. Like I said, I'm certainly not anti-relationship, I fully encourage it. I just want to make sure that for me, the next one that I do 'enter' is one that will prove to be beneficial for both parties, and that the relationship itself is a two-way street. What benefits them will benefit me, and vice-versa. I am confident that there is some kind of 'relationship' out there for everyone, and to keep your heart open. Just make sure that whatever 'relationship' you find yourself in, that it is equally beneficial for the both of you, but most of all keep your love close to your heart. There are some real winners out there.

<3